I woke this morning with so many thoughts spinning in my head, so much to ponder, and wanting desperately to try to understand it all within myself so that I could share it here with loved ones and any who care to read. Before I state the following, please understand that it is not in a negative or defeated way: When I awoke this morning, the pains in my gut had returned. For just a moment, it was disheartening, but then I realized that all the other feelings of wellbeing were still there, overriding the discomfort in my physical being.
I have also been thinking of my last post since I wrote it, and how I pray every time that my true intent is heard, not just the words, as words can only go so far. With that being said, I will delve into what occurred last night and today, in my experience, my physical self, and my spiritual self.
First addressing my last post. I do not want to sound like a self-proclaiming profit, that I will continue to live on this earth until this specific date and that no harm will come to me now that I have truly found God. It is my DESIRE to live another 50 years, not for my self, but to live for God, as I did not in my previous 50 years. It is my desire to atone for those things that I regret and now understand to have been entirely selfish and not serving of the Lord. I do not however, take back the words describing that I felt God within, around, above and beneath me, in these days since I have accepted Jesus as my savior. I may though, continue to describe what that feeling, ever-expanding, is in words so that others, may have a glimpse into my soul. As I know that some may not yet have experienced these feelings, or similar, as I do not know how God presents himself to all, just to me as it occurs. As I know the feelings and experiences may change and evolve with time, as it is a continual conversation/journey, so to speak.
Last night, my neighbor friend, who has entered this spiritual journey with me, asked me to try to describe how I actually felt, speaking with God, since I mentioned that it was NOT like in the movies for me. The sky did not open to a vision for my eyes to see God before them, and I did not hear an amplified voice in my ears, not even actual words. While struggling to come up with an adequate description, to put into words, which can only be felt by the soul, I struggled with words like serene, complete, safe, etc. I thought deeper to try to come up with some analogy, as the Bible speaks of parables to help us understand God’s intent. The best I could come up with at this time, was that for me, it is like being a healthy, happy, content newborn baby swaddled and being held, loved, protected, supported, and cared for by a most loving mother. No fears enter my mind while praying, only gratitude and praise. I may pray to live on and for disease to leave me so that I may serve the Lord here on earth, but that is for my needs, my desires to atone and to work fully for the Lord here on earth. However, I understand at this time, that what I feel may actually be reassurance that God is now with me forever, in this life and the one beyond. That, in and of itself, is actually more comforting.
I believe that every day is a testament to God’s love of his children here on earth. I try not to let a pleasant moment lapse without thanking God for it, and try to let go of things that could poison my heart with any evil feelings like anger, resentment, jealousy, and greed, etc. I know that only God’s love can give me this complete overwhelming feeling of being blessed and of being one of his many children, for whom his love has no bounds. Yes, I believe he is also disappointed in me when I do not heed his commands, and wonder off into my own self-fulfilling desires, just as any parent would feel, when a child goes astray into acts that you know will not lead to a good life, but that of disappointment and pain.
I continue to pray to live on this earth for many years to come, but only so that I may do so to serve God, and hopefully be a comfort to those on earth who desire reassurance that I am well, in my entirety. I will continue to write as long as I am able, to attempt to explain my journey and all it’s amazing enlightenments in words, so that others may at least find comfort in them, if not encouragement to begin their own quest for God, and all the joys that it brings. I have also had other thoughts this day and those past that I want to try to write about, but will save them for future posts. For now, I will simply take note of them, to remind my less than perfect memory in the future. ☺