Ready Set Go

Okay, time for me to fasten my spiritual safety belt and get ready for my roller coaster summer. The scan I had last week shows that not only is the cancer still growing in my bone and liver, but also has spread to some distant nodes, so chemo is back in my future. As the radiology Oncologist said, it wouldn’t make sense to do the liver sit spheres procedure if the rest of the metastasis went unchecked.

So I have an appointment Friday with my regular oncologist to go over chemo options that might work. There aren’t many chemos that I haven’t already done, so he is thinking of a combo of some sort, possibly Adriamyacin and Navelbine. However, Adriamyacin has a lift-time limit, and I believe I have already had more than half. So we will decide this Friday, and probably start the following week.

At the same time, I am still proceeding with the liver procedure. I received a call today to schedule the first step, which is an angiogram? They insert a catheter into the Artery in the groin (as that is the one that goes to the liver) and inject a dye. After the tracer travels trough the artery to the liver, they take images, to make certain there isn’t much overflow to other organs and to create a “road map” for the sir spheres (to directly radiate the liver tumors). Supposedly the only pain is inserting and removing the catheter and is done with just light sedation. I’ll let you know after J

The actual procedure has not yet been approved, however, doing this initial part now will let us schedule the procedure asap after insurance approval. I was informed that the sir sphere procedure, when the liver mets are breast cancer, is initially declined by all insurance companies. However, the hospital personnel assured me that they have a 99% approval on appeal. So it is mostly a matter of time, and making sure I am a candidate for the procedure, which the angiogram next week will tell.

I think I mentioned in another post, that the Radiology Oncologist wants to do the liver procedure twice, once for each lobe (right and left liver lobes). The second procedure would be about 4 weeks after the first. I am imagining they would do the worst side first, but actually don’t know. We will also have to try to schedule it around the chemo or vice versa, so this should be interesting.

Surprisingly, I am taking everything pretty calmly. Can’t say how I will feel when I am in the throws of it, but hopefully I will be able to write about it. I must say that my newfound spiritual calm is making a huge difference in anxiety level. The hope is that throwing everything at the cancer at once, for a relatively short time, might give me a year or so of remission or at least stability. Only God knows. I pray for patience and strength, and the knowledge to know what God wants. 

Words Alone Cannot Explain

I woke this morning with so many thoughts spinning in my head, so much to ponder, and wanting desperately to try to understand it all within myself so that I could share it here with loved ones and any who care to read. Before I state the following, please understand that it is not in a negative or defeated way: When I awoke this morning, the pains in my gut had returned. For just a moment, it was disheartening, but then I realized that all the other feelings of wellbeing were still there, overriding the discomfort in my physical being.

I have also been thinking of my last post since I wrote it, and how I pray every time that my true intent is heard, not just the words, as words can only go so far. With that being said, I will delve into what occurred last night and today, in my experience, my physical self, and my spiritual self.

First addressing my last post. I do not want to sound like a self-proclaiming profit, that I will continue to live on this earth until this specific date and that no harm will come to me now that I have truly found God. It is my DESIRE to live another 50 years, not for my self, but to live for God, as I did not in my previous 50 years. It is my desire to atone for those things that I regret and now understand to have been entirely selfish and not serving of the Lord. I do not however, take back the words describing that I felt God within, around, above and beneath me, in these days since I have accepted Jesus as my savior. I may though, continue to describe what that feeling, ever-expanding, is in words so that others, may have a glimpse into my soul. As I know that some may not yet have experienced these feelings, or similar, as I do not know how God presents himself to all, just to me as it occurs. As I know the feelings and experiences may change and evolve with time, as it is a continual conversation/journey, so to speak.

Last night, my neighbor friend, who has entered this spiritual journey with me, asked me to try to describe how I actually felt, speaking with God, since I mentioned that it was NOT like in the movies for me. The sky did not open to a vision for my eyes to see God before them, and I did not hear an amplified voice in my ears, not even actual words. While struggling to come up with an adequate description, to put into words, which can only be felt by the soul, I struggled with words like serene, complete, safe, etc. I thought deeper to try to come up with some analogy, as the Bible speaks of parables to help us understand God’s intent. The best I could come up with at this time, was that for me, it is like being a healthy, happy, content newborn baby swaddled and being held, loved, protected, supported, and cared for by a most loving mother. No fears enter my mind while praying, only gratitude and praise. I may pray to live on and for disease to leave me so that I may serve the Lord here on earth, but that is for my needs, my desires to atone and to work fully for the Lord here on earth. However, I understand at this time, that what I feel may actually be reassurance that God is now with me forever, in this life and the one beyond. That, in and of itself, is actually more comforting.

I believe that every day is a testament to God’s love of his children here on earth. I try not to let a pleasant moment lapse without thanking God for it, and try to let go of things that could poison my heart with any evil feelings like anger, resentment, jealousy, and greed, etc. I know that only God’s love can give me this complete overwhelming feeling of being blessed and of being one of his many children, for whom his love has no bounds. Yes, I believe he is also disappointed in me when I do not heed his commands, and wonder off into my own self-fulfilling desires, just as any parent would feel, when a child goes astray into acts that you know will not lead to a good life, but that of disappointment and pain.

I continue to pray to live on this earth for many years to come, but only so that I may do so to serve God, and hopefully be a comfort to those on earth who desire reassurance that I am well, in my entirety. I will continue to write as long as I am able, to attempt to explain my journey and all it’s amazing enlightenments in words, so that others may at least find comfort in them, if not encouragement to begin their own quest for God, and all the joys that it brings. I have also had other thoughts this day and those past that I want to try to write about, but will save them for future posts.  For now, I will simply take note of them, to remind my less than perfect memory in the future. ☺

Upping the Ante

In a previous post, I believe one of my first, I mentioned a book of prayers that I had received from a nun in Santa Fe, a very special person. Also, that after that, my prayers were more structured and focused. Well, I keep upping the anti, so to speak. Praying deeper, praising harder and more often. And must say, that after this weekend, I know that my prayers are being answered.

Lately, along with thanking of God for all my blessings, from my amazing family, to the soft dry bed I sleep on, I have also been praying to be healed. Yep, healed. I have seen it (miraculous healing) before with others, in people that I know personally, who had been turned away from Doctors, told to get their affairs in order, decades ago, and that are still alive today. I want so much to live now, more than ever, but to live for God. I also didn’t really pray for healing before, but for strength to endure and help for my family and those close to me. But I believe now, and can feel not only spiritual changes within me, but physical as well.

After I lay in bed each night, after my prayers, I now also have a long, hard discussion with my mind and body. I say (internally) that we were created with abilities beyond human conception, and everything is possible through God. Our minds have the ability to tell ours bodies to do their job, so to speak, all the different elements of this amazing machine we call humans, working in harmony. We are so complex that not even the greatest minds understand even a fraction of the mind and body abilities. With knowing that, I tell my mind to tap into all that God has blessed us with, to rid my body of disease, as Jesus died not only for our sins, as if that were not enough, but also for our sicknesses, and throw them into the dark sea, to never afflict another with their evil.

Is it working? I BELIEVE it is. I do not have physical proof as yet, but that does not stop me and will press to not let it stop me even if my health turns worse, as every journey has ups and downs. This weekend, I pressed my physical abilities to do what I didn’t think possible anymore. I prayed for God to give me the strength and endurance to take on the blessing of being responsible for my two lovely grandchild for a 24 hour period, while my daughter and son-in-law, celebrated their 5 year anniversary away from home. This is not only something that I was apprehensive about in the beginning, but also a “first”. No one had babysat my grandchildren overnight yet. They are 4 and 2 years of age. I know, I love my grandchildren deeply, but have to say, without prejudice, that they behaved extremely well during the entire time.

Well, now that I am back home, I do have some aches in my bones and muscles and had to take a very long nap, BUT, I just noticed, the continual pain I have had in my gut for the last few weeks, most likely from my liver cancer metastases, has just subsided, it’s gone. I do not feel them, and remember now that I did not feel them last night when I went to bed either, when it is usually most obvious.

Now whether there is “physical” healing going on, only time will tell. But as long as I believe, and I am now saying I am going to live another 50 years, but a better 50 years, not greater in possessions but in life style, I do feel like I will. I can get up each morning feeling better and with more purpose. I intend on continuing to “up my ante” as only good things have resulted, and my heart and soul are so unbelievable full.

Motherhood

I find it more amazing everyday, when my prayers are answered, in one form or another. Yesterday, was Mother’s Day, and I was fortunate to have been able to spend time with both my children, my son-in law and my daughters two children (my grands). It was a leisurely day full of smiles, and yes a couple of small tantrums J.  However, last night, for an odd reason, I could not sleep. It wasn’t my mind keeping me up in bed, rather an empty, eyes-wide-open waiting for something, type of restlessness.  So, with not going to sleep until my body said “enough” at 6:00 am this morning, I slept the day away. Waking at 4:00 pm, I felt guilt of a sort, wasting time like that. So I picked up my Bible and read, and read, and read. Later in the evening something happened, which I won’t mention the specifics of, but it made everything in the last day and today clear, all the pieces of the highlights of the day and my recent readings fit perfectly together.

I should write about my most important role and one that I treasure and also have regrets about… being a Mother.  Not about having been a mother, but how I mothered. And, I am not talking about becoming pregnant and giving birth, while that experience in itself is a bundle of physical and emotional highs and lows. It all takes place in less than a year, while being a mother is for a lifetime. Once you are given the blessings and the burden of another human being, your life is no longer your own. Some may say that is negative, but it isn’t, in my eyes, both the blessing and the burden, as well as no longer being responsible only for myself are glorious.

Trying to keep this brief and to the point is almost as difficult as raising a child, so much will be omitted to try to let my core message out without all the adornments, so to speak.

To begin, I was a mother at a very young age, yes I take responsibility for that. At Twenty-two, I was divorced and a mother of two beautiful children. Life definitely threw obstacles at me, from every which direction: emotional, financial, physical, you name it. I know, we all have our hard-luck stories, but that is not the point. It is what I did with them, and also acknowledging that I am not a victim, and that much of what happened, I actually brought upon myself (knowingly or not) that is important. It is so easy to blame others and exterior circumstances, and so much harder, yet more rewarding, to accept what is my doing, bad along with the good. If we do not accept what is ours, how can we change it or take pleasure in it?

As I mentioned in another entry, I did not really grow up practicing a religion, and, not necessarily justly so, I did not bring my children up learning the Word of God either. This I regret. I did try to teach them good from evil, right from wrong, along with the ideals of being open-minded, non-judgemental, charitable, forgiving, etc. I also regret if I ever gave them the impression that material wealth was more important than being humble and being thankful for what blessings we do have, as I did continuously try to achieve more in my career to provide more “objects” as well as needs over the years, always battling between time for them and time away to provide for them.

Later in their lives, but still while they were minors, I married again. I may have provided more monetary treasures and benefits, but in the process, I also took me from them, more than was necessary. It was for a number of reasons and circumstances, but again, I take full responsibility and regret some of the consequences that hurt them rather than me. I pray only that my mistakes serve as a lesson to them as they have to me, and that my love for them was and will never be in question, only my own sanity and choices.

I have been more than abundantly blessed with my children and who they have turned out to be at present. They have many years ahead of them, and I pray to instill only good memories from this point forward. I know I may falter, as I am human, but plan to make every effort to demonstrate by example what I wish I had been and want to be for them, the one who sows in good earth and tends the resulting crops.

Although I have written for some time now, at least by my current standards, I have barely touched the surface of most of my life being a mother, really no specifics at all.  It is abundantly clear, that I need to write more on this topic. Also, this has served as a reminder to me that I have been blessed many times over with the so called burdens of motherhood.

Thank you, my beautiful children. I will love you with all my heart forever, and Happy Mother’s day to all the people who also have been blessed with this burden. May you overcome all obstacles, not all but some in the presence of your children, so that they may benefit from your mistakes, but also without expectation rather with hope that it will be absorbed, as we all will have obstacles, each with varying degrees of difference, and we don't think anyone else could possibly understand what is in our unique minds.

The Journey Rather than Destination

It has been a few days since my last post, as I have spent time with family, reading, crafting, thinking, and yes, resting.  A few days ago, I began reading a new portion of the Bible, the Book of Ezekiel. Oh my, what a different aspect of teaching from the Book of Matthew. At first, I admit, it tested my faith, actually scared me, as much of it is about the Wrath of God.

After that first day that I read from it, I felt I had to set it aside, listen to more uplifting messages, do more pleasurable activities, and spend time smiling with family and friends. Then yesterday, I was listening to a CD that my lovely neighbor, one of my earth angels, lent to me for encouragement. It referenced a portion of the book of Ezekiel that I had not reached yet in my reading. The message was much more positive, loving, forgiving, and uplifting, so today I finished reading this particular book.

What did I learn, even though I was confused, as much of it was repetitive and I could not quite grasp the timeline of events, as it seemed to wander, did made sense eventually of the my earlier reading. Although, I must admit it was immersed with mathematics of measure that boggled my mind, in all, I did learn from it positive and treasured lessons.

I have a long way to go. In fact, I may never “complete” my understanding of all of the Word of God. However each reading (journey into the Word) gives me new insight, whether it be in a parable or testament. So, even though my reading may be slow, as compared to someone who has studied the bible their whole life, I am able to absorb more and more with each step. As it is with life, if we apply what we learn along the way, as we learn it, we become more and more informed, and with it more and more whole in mind, body and spirit.

One thing that really stood out to me was that charitable actions should be done anonymously, not in sight of another to gain favorable impressions. But, rather, in secret so as only God knows your good deeds, as it is more important for Him to see your actions, than praise from other people.  Obviously, some good deeds I do for someone, may be noticed by the recipient, but should be without advertising to others, and with request to the recipient not to announce it either, as I am just doing what is right, nothing superior to others. I may need to drill that one in many times, as well, I have had a need for praise in the past, maybe not on the surface, but I realize it was within me. Please God help me be humble.

Another lesson, very difficult for many, was not to rejoice at the punishment of others, even if their actions are public and deplorable, it is not for me to gain pride in that I am better. I know that is a mind twister, but I think I grasp it now. As with other lessons, it is putting it into action that is hardest, but most rewarding internally, which is more precious than any material object or receipt of praise.

Please God help me be humble and not prideful. I am not writing this blog to make others feel inferior to me, but rather to expose my faults and lessons and to speak aloud (writing where all can see) to Praise God and hopefully serve only as encouragement to others. As there is a fine line between being humble and expressing ones misgivings in an effort to change others. I pray that this message is received as it was intended, and not in any means demeaning or pressure on others to conform, but only to enlighten them to my journey of learning, as my destination will never come, all of life is a journey.

Know "It" to Live "It"

Know what? The Word. The Word?  Yes, the Word of God. Okay, yes, this will be another post about spirituality.  I do not want to force anyone to hear it, but I have to say it, or write it in this case. This is much of my life now, and will be from now on. Not that I won’t have other things to say, but this has taken front and center for me.

Today is Sunday. Church service was wonderful as ever today! And, yes, when I came home, I napped, but only for three hours this time, not five, hurray! 

I have tried to live most of my life with "good conscience" decisions, but not necessarily spirituality. Since I have opened my heart to Jesus, so much has been brought into question. In the Christian faith, we are to live the Word of God, but I realized I didn’t know it. Yes I understand the basic principles and all the “biggies” but I had only read from the bible once, when I was a lost teen, and even then it was a short-lived practice.

The church I am currently attending, a non-denominational Christian church had given me a bible back when I first said I wanted to be saved. I am still very confused on terminology and what to say when, which is why I love this church, because that is okay, they encourage discussion. Like today, one question was asked from the speaker, that I must have misinterpreted, because mine was the only hand raised, at least within my vision. The old me wanted to shrink within myself, but the new me, just smiled, and the woman ministering had a smile too, I think she saw me, since I was the only one, in a church that holds at least hundreds, with their hand raised high slowly pulling it back down.

This got me to thinking, I have been meaning to pick up the bible and begin reading it, but I just hadn’t done it. I had put all my attention into trying to figure out what I was supposed to DO with this gift of life. Today, I realized that I really should know the word of God, to be able to live it.

So I randomly started todays reading with the book of Matthew. Why? Well, not completely arbitrary and maybe somewhat superstitious, which is not what spirituality is about, but yes okay, because that was the name I had chosen for my first son… but since I did not have a reason, I just liked the name. My son’s father, my first husband, and I agreed to name him after a relative I had not met, but that had been greatly admired.  He was so greatly admired that I believe he has 4 or 5 name sakes. Which was fine, as he is still my son, who I would love by any name. Then get this, yes, more coincidence or superstition; My only son-in-law is named Matthew.

Okay, away from the silliness.  So, I completed “reading That book”. I now know this "task" is not something that will ever be finished. Yes, I can finish reading the bible with time, but I will study it as long as I live. I have decided to just READ the bible for now, not that it is a minor task, but as compared to “studying” the bible. There are many sections, that with the change or difference in the use of language, or with just my mind not working at full capacity, that I will have to re-read, make notations, research etc, in order to have a greater understanding.

But, I also want to do… the clock is ticking… I understand mortality… which priorities… OKAY – MODERATION. Whew, see why I find it hard to get to sleep at times. My mind spins around non-stop. Now if only my body could have that energy, and yes, I do pray for that as well J Speaking of which, I should start letting my mind slow down for another night, which leads to my next and first day of the rest of my life! 

I know, sorry, I love some clichés!

Messengers of God

Yesterday, I spent much of the day trying to practice what I preach… Patience, Faith, being Open and Positive, as I was dealing with trying to arrange times and dates for upcoming medical appointments and procedures. At one point in the day, my neighbor friend, the one who refers to herself as the old Indian woman and I refer to as one of my earth angels, stopped by to visit and bring a book to me to read, if I so desired.

We spoke for a while, about our lives, mostly her sharing many of her experiences with me. What an amazing woman, she is and serves as a testament to God. She lent me the book “Healed of Cancer” by Dodie Olsteen, a very small but powerful message. I gave her a couple of bookmarks I hade made of crocheted cotton thread, just as a gesture of thanks for her gifts and her presense in my life, and because I know she is an avid reader, even though she recently had cataract surgery in both her eyes. At one point in the conversation, she said, you know that us meeting was not an accident. I smiled and agreed wholeheartedly.

I had been praying so hard to God, especially the last few days, to show me what he wants of me, I now know at least one thing, to be a testament to his power and grace. I will be healed of my physical ailments, as God has made his will known to me, not as a voice in my head, but through a messenger of great faith and love. I have accepted God into my heart, into my soul, into my entire life, and desire only to live for him on earth.

Today I began reading the book that my friend had loaned me, and it affirmed all that I believed and strengthened my faith. After reading it, I had to do something productive, I have to believe I am healed. So…. I washed my kitchen floor. It does not sound like much, but in the year that I have lived here, I have only wiped up areas at a time as needed. This time I got down on the floor, not on my knees, as well, that is too painful, but on my rump and scrubbed the floor with a sponge of gentle cleaners. It looks and smells wonderful. Granted it is a small floor, and I would have done it in no time when I was physically healthy, but this time it was a pleasure, not a chore, because I AM still able to do it. Afterwards, soaking with sweat and a little achy, as my body is not accustomed to work these days, I took a nice cleansing bath. I feel so renewed. It is not what I do, it is how I do what I do.

I firmly believe that I am healed, it may take time for my body to catch up with my heart and soul, but it will happen, and I intend on being a testament to God as well. Not in a preachy way, the way that turned me the other direction, but in an example and as a testament, like my wonderful messenger from God, the elderly lovely Indian woman. I feel like more of a whole person than at any time in my life.

As with everything else, this is not the end, the final declaration, but the beginning of my new destiny that has no end. I know I will face challenges, pains, and other obstacles, but I can and will withstand them, in Jesus’ name.

Patience

What a simple word, yet extremely difficult to achieve on any sort of a regular basis. It does not come easily, at least not for me. It encompasses something as little as waiting for a traffic light to turn green, waiting for your loved one to return home from war, and in my current situation… waiting for insurance to approve a medical procedure that I need to hopefully stop the new metastatic tumors in my liver from progressing further. The specialist told me to prepare for a long wait, possibly 4 to 5 weeks as all insurance is cutting back on approvals for this procedure because of cost, and yes because I have advanced cancer with poor prognosis. Medicine, and getting what might help, as well as many aspects of life, are not black and white, not a certainty, and cannot be predetermined. Everything is weighed and judged.  I understand this now more than ever.  There are limits and decisions to be made, but knowing that, doesn’t lessen the stress on ones’ patience. Only we can lessen the stress for ourselves by not wasting the time we have to spend waiting.

Patience is such a wide subject, that I will limit this post to just part of my cancer journey, the most recent few months (dealing with the new liver mets). I had considered having a mastectomy one year into my journey, but when I was told it would not change my prognosis, and not being fond of surgery, I dropped it. In December, since there were few chemo options left, and I no longer wanted to live with the extreme side effects, my oncologists and I discussed that if my pet scan showed the cancer only in my breast, that it would be a good time to discuss the mastectomy option. I had initially considered a mastectomy earlier because, well, I am odd, and so is my cancer. There are so many variables with cancer, but this specific reaction I had is rare. Usually when cancer has metastasized (spread to another part of the body from the original tumor), if the cancer responds to chemotherapy, it does so in the original tumor faster than in the mets. I was opposite even the first time through chemotherapy five years ago. So after this oddity repeating a few times over the last couple of years, as well as it progressing in the breast first, rather than the mets, my current oncologists agreed that in my weird situation that a mastectomy might be worth a try, to slow the progression.  There is no scientific data on rare situations because, well, because they are “rare” and how do you study a large group of people if a large group does not exist. Mind, scans can only detect cancer if it is something like 5mm in size. So having a clean scan was also not a sure thing, but would be a good sign that the timing was right.

Now on to the PET/CT scans, not good news, it detected uptake in the liver and suggested I have an MRI to confirm. Well this put the mastectomy on the back burner, if it was continuing to progress, and in new organs, why go through surgery. But then in January when I had the abdominal MRI, rather than the usual pet scan, nothing was detected in the liver. I am thinking miracle! (I didn’t usually have MRIs and didn’t realize that it could “not see” it.

So, now it was on to scheduling the mastectomy the end of February.  Then, one month after the mastectomy, it was time for another PET/CT scan, which is basically every three months when you are progressing and for a while after being stable or regressing. So guess what? Masses were detected again in the liver, bigger and more aggressive than in December. Why the MRI did not pick it up, I don’t know for certain. The two scans use different technologies to detect cancer. Maybe because I have inflammatory breast cancer, which grows in sheets before in becomes a tumor (at least in the breast). So what next, I could dwell on having had the mast and all it’s complications, when I was not going to have it, had I known there were indeed liver mets. But it was done and could not be undone.

Next, onto another Doctor, a radiology oncologist in Baltimore. The procedure I was hoping for (yes I did a little internet research beforehand), with the least side effects and less intrusive, was no longer an option, as one of the tumors was now over the size that is compatible with this technique. Surgery is not a good option as the 3 tumors are in completely different areas, including both the right and left lobe, and I imagine recovery would be difficult even if the surgery was possible. So I wait, wait for approval from medicare and my medigap insurance for the best , if not only option for me. Then If approved, I will have a test to make certain I am a candidate for the procedure, a basic mapping of the main artery that goes to the liver, to make certain there aren’t branches (?) or other situations that would make this technique possible. And, all the while, I don’t know if the tumors are growing, most likely though.

I did start on another non-chemo medication, because, the pathology report based on the mastectomy tissue did determine the hormonal aspects of my cancer had changed since my first biopsy five years ago. So maybe the mastectomy was not a waste after all??? I know most if not all things happen for a reason. Maybe God intervened so to speak so that the tumors would not be detected on the MRI so that I would go ahead with the mastectomy. Why, how, when really don’t matter now, as they are done, in the past, etc..

Anyway, back to the “having patience” topic. I cannot do anything about this wait, any more than I can most of the time. If I spend all my time worrying about it, I waste more than a month of my life, and at this point I have realized that each and every day is precious. So I continue, march on, as if there is no end in sight. As we all should, as we don’t really know when the end will come. I actually have been given a gift, so to speak, knowing how precious this month is, and to live it larger than ever… No, not wasteful, or diving out of planes J, but living for God, for my family, church, friends, neighbors, strangers. Every day and every act is important. No, I am not a saint, and I have “mental” medications that help as well, but it has been drilled into me over and over during the last five years, that living the life of a victim, giving up, is not living.

So today, when my daughter and her two glorious kids (some of my special earth-angels) visited, I actually made dinner. Nothing special and most of it was done while sitting in my scooter, but it felt good to accomplish something. It feels so much better than a few days ago when I wasted an entire day with the blahs watching movies. AND my evening ended with lots of hugs and love. What could be better!

Tell someone you love them today! And try to have patience… the alternative only hurts you, …well most of the time, there are always exceptions. J