I find it more amazing everyday, when my prayers are answered, in one form or another. Yesterday, was Mother’s Day, and I was fortunate to have been able to spend time with both my children, my son-in law and my daughters two children (my grands). It was a leisurely day full of smiles, and yes a couple of small tantrums J. However, last night, for an odd reason, I could not sleep. It wasn’t my mind keeping me up in bed, rather an empty, eyes-wide-open waiting for something, type of restlessness. So, with not going to sleep until my body said “enough” at 6:00 am this morning, I slept the day away. Waking at 4:00 pm, I felt guilt of a sort, wasting time like that. So I picked up my Bible and read, and read, and read. Later in the evening something happened, which I won’t mention the specifics of, but it made everything in the last day and today clear, all the pieces of the highlights of the day and my recent readings fit perfectly together.
I should write about my most important role and one that I treasure and also have regrets about… being a Mother. Not about having been a mother, but how I mothered. And, I am not talking about becoming pregnant and giving birth, while that experience in itself is a bundle of physical and emotional highs and lows. It all takes place in less than a year, while being a mother is for a lifetime. Once you are given the blessings and the burden of another human being, your life is no longer your own. Some may say that is negative, but it isn’t, in my eyes, both the blessing and the burden, as well as no longer being responsible only for myself are glorious.
Trying to keep this brief and to the point is almost as difficult as raising a child, so much will be omitted to try to let my core message out without all the adornments, so to speak.
To begin, I was a mother at a very young age, yes I take responsibility for that. At Twenty-two, I was divorced and a mother of two beautiful children. Life definitely threw obstacles at me, from every which direction: emotional, financial, physical, you name it. I know, we all have our hard-luck stories, but that is not the point. It is what I did with them, and also acknowledging that I am not a victim, and that much of what happened, I actually brought upon myself (knowingly or not) that is important. It is so easy to blame others and exterior circumstances, and so much harder, yet more rewarding, to accept what is my doing, bad along with the good. If we do not accept what is ours, how can we change it or take pleasure in it?
As I mentioned in another entry, I did not really grow up practicing a religion, and, not necessarily justly so, I did not bring my children up learning the Word of God either. This I regret. I did try to teach them good from evil, right from wrong, along with the ideals of being open-minded, non-judgemental, charitable, forgiving, etc. I also regret if I ever gave them the impression that material wealth was more important than being humble and being thankful for what blessings we do have, as I did continuously try to achieve more in my career to provide more “objects” as well as needs over the years, always battling between time for them and time away to provide for them.
Later in their lives, but still while they were minors, I married again. I may have provided more monetary treasures and benefits, but in the process, I also took me from them, more than was necessary. It was for a number of reasons and circumstances, but again, I take full responsibility and regret some of the consequences that hurt them rather than me. I pray only that my mistakes serve as a lesson to them as they have to me, and that my love for them was and will never be in question, only my own sanity and choices.
I have been more than abundantly blessed with my children and who they have turned out to be at present. They have many years ahead of them, and I pray to instill only good memories from this point forward. I know I may falter, as I am human, but plan to make every effort to demonstrate by example what I wish I had been and want to be for them, the one who sows in good earth and tends the resulting crops.
Although I have written for some time now, at least by my current standards, I have barely touched the surface of most of my life being a mother, really no specifics at all. It is abundantly clear, that I need to write more on this topic. Also, this has served as a reminder to me that I have been blessed many times over with the so called burdens of motherhood.
Thank you, my beautiful children. I will love you with all my heart forever, and Happy Mother’s day to all the people who also have been blessed with this burden. May you overcome all obstacles, not all but some in the presence of your children, so that they may benefit from your mistakes, but also without expectation rather with hope that it will be absorbed, as we all will have obstacles, each with varying degrees of difference, and we don't think anyone else could possibly understand what is in our unique minds.