Know "It" to Live "It"

Know what? The Word. The Word?  Yes, the Word of God. Okay, yes, this will be another post about spirituality.  I do not want to force anyone to hear it, but I have to say it, or write it in this case. This is much of my life now, and will be from now on. Not that I won’t have other things to say, but this has taken front and center for me.

Today is Sunday. Church service was wonderful as ever today! And, yes, when I came home, I napped, but only for three hours this time, not five, hurray! 

I have tried to live most of my life with "good conscience" decisions, but not necessarily spirituality. Since I have opened my heart to Jesus, so much has been brought into question. In the Christian faith, we are to live the Word of God, but I realized I didn’t know it. Yes I understand the basic principles and all the “biggies” but I had only read from the bible once, when I was a lost teen, and even then it was a short-lived practice.

The church I am currently attending, a non-denominational Christian church had given me a bible back when I first said I wanted to be saved. I am still very confused on terminology and what to say when, which is why I love this church, because that is okay, they encourage discussion. Like today, one question was asked from the speaker, that I must have misinterpreted, because mine was the only hand raised, at least within my vision. The old me wanted to shrink within myself, but the new me, just smiled, and the woman ministering had a smile too, I think she saw me, since I was the only one, in a church that holds at least hundreds, with their hand raised high slowly pulling it back down.

This got me to thinking, I have been meaning to pick up the bible and begin reading it, but I just hadn’t done it. I had put all my attention into trying to figure out what I was supposed to DO with this gift of life. Today, I realized that I really should know the word of God, to be able to live it.

So I randomly started todays reading with the book of Matthew. Why? Well, not completely arbitrary and maybe somewhat superstitious, which is not what spirituality is about, but yes okay, because that was the name I had chosen for my first son… but since I did not have a reason, I just liked the name. My son’s father, my first husband, and I agreed to name him after a relative I had not met, but that had been greatly admired.  He was so greatly admired that I believe he has 4 or 5 name sakes. Which was fine, as he is still my son, who I would love by any name. Then get this, yes, more coincidence or superstition; My only son-in-law is named Matthew.

Okay, away from the silliness.  So, I completed “reading That book”. I now know this "task" is not something that will ever be finished. Yes, I can finish reading the bible with time, but I will study it as long as I live. I have decided to just READ the bible for now, not that it is a minor task, but as compared to “studying” the bible. There are many sections, that with the change or difference in the use of language, or with just my mind not working at full capacity, that I will have to re-read, make notations, research etc, in order to have a greater understanding.

But, I also want to do… the clock is ticking… I understand mortality… which priorities… OKAY – MODERATION. Whew, see why I find it hard to get to sleep at times. My mind spins around non-stop. Now if only my body could have that energy, and yes, I do pray for that as well J Speaking of which, I should start letting my mind slow down for another night, which leads to my next and first day of the rest of my life! 

I know, sorry, I love some clichés!

Messengers of God

Yesterday, I spent much of the day trying to practice what I preach… Patience, Faith, being Open and Positive, as I was dealing with trying to arrange times and dates for upcoming medical appointments and procedures. At one point in the day, my neighbor friend, the one who refers to herself as the old Indian woman and I refer to as one of my earth angels, stopped by to visit and bring a book to me to read, if I so desired.

We spoke for a while, about our lives, mostly her sharing many of her experiences with me. What an amazing woman, she is and serves as a testament to God. She lent me the book “Healed of Cancer” by Dodie Olsteen, a very small but powerful message. I gave her a couple of bookmarks I hade made of crocheted cotton thread, just as a gesture of thanks for her gifts and her presense in my life, and because I know she is an avid reader, even though she recently had cataract surgery in both her eyes. At one point in the conversation, she said, you know that us meeting was not an accident. I smiled and agreed wholeheartedly.

I had been praying so hard to God, especially the last few days, to show me what he wants of me, I now know at least one thing, to be a testament to his power and grace. I will be healed of my physical ailments, as God has made his will known to me, not as a voice in my head, but through a messenger of great faith and love. I have accepted God into my heart, into my soul, into my entire life, and desire only to live for him on earth.

Today I began reading the book that my friend had loaned me, and it affirmed all that I believed and strengthened my faith. After reading it, I had to do something productive, I have to believe I am healed. So…. I washed my kitchen floor. It does not sound like much, but in the year that I have lived here, I have only wiped up areas at a time as needed. This time I got down on the floor, not on my knees, as well, that is too painful, but on my rump and scrubbed the floor with a sponge of gentle cleaners. It looks and smells wonderful. Granted it is a small floor, and I would have done it in no time when I was physically healthy, but this time it was a pleasure, not a chore, because I AM still able to do it. Afterwards, soaking with sweat and a little achy, as my body is not accustomed to work these days, I took a nice cleansing bath. I feel so renewed. It is not what I do, it is how I do what I do.

I firmly believe that I am healed, it may take time for my body to catch up with my heart and soul, but it will happen, and I intend on being a testament to God as well. Not in a preachy way, the way that turned me the other direction, but in an example and as a testament, like my wonderful messenger from God, the elderly lovely Indian woman. I feel like more of a whole person than at any time in my life.

As with everything else, this is not the end, the final declaration, but the beginning of my new destiny that has no end. I know I will face challenges, pains, and other obstacles, but I can and will withstand them, in Jesus’ name.

Patience

What a simple word, yet extremely difficult to achieve on any sort of a regular basis. It does not come easily, at least not for me. It encompasses something as little as waiting for a traffic light to turn green, waiting for your loved one to return home from war, and in my current situation… waiting for insurance to approve a medical procedure that I need to hopefully stop the new metastatic tumors in my liver from progressing further. The specialist told me to prepare for a long wait, possibly 4 to 5 weeks as all insurance is cutting back on approvals for this procedure because of cost, and yes because I have advanced cancer with poor prognosis. Medicine, and getting what might help, as well as many aspects of life, are not black and white, not a certainty, and cannot be predetermined. Everything is weighed and judged.  I understand this now more than ever.  There are limits and decisions to be made, but knowing that, doesn’t lessen the stress on ones’ patience. Only we can lessen the stress for ourselves by not wasting the time we have to spend waiting.

Patience is such a wide subject, that I will limit this post to just part of my cancer journey, the most recent few months (dealing with the new liver mets). I had considered having a mastectomy one year into my journey, but when I was told it would not change my prognosis, and not being fond of surgery, I dropped it. In December, since there were few chemo options left, and I no longer wanted to live with the extreme side effects, my oncologists and I discussed that if my pet scan showed the cancer only in my breast, that it would be a good time to discuss the mastectomy option. I had initially considered a mastectomy earlier because, well, I am odd, and so is my cancer. There are so many variables with cancer, but this specific reaction I had is rare. Usually when cancer has metastasized (spread to another part of the body from the original tumor), if the cancer responds to chemotherapy, it does so in the original tumor faster than in the mets. I was opposite even the first time through chemotherapy five years ago. So after this oddity repeating a few times over the last couple of years, as well as it progressing in the breast first, rather than the mets, my current oncologists agreed that in my weird situation that a mastectomy might be worth a try, to slow the progression.  There is no scientific data on rare situations because, well, because they are “rare” and how do you study a large group of people if a large group does not exist. Mind, scans can only detect cancer if it is something like 5mm in size. So having a clean scan was also not a sure thing, but would be a good sign that the timing was right.

Now on to the PET/CT scans, not good news, it detected uptake in the liver and suggested I have an MRI to confirm. Well this put the mastectomy on the back burner, if it was continuing to progress, and in new organs, why go through surgery. But then in January when I had the abdominal MRI, rather than the usual pet scan, nothing was detected in the liver. I am thinking miracle! (I didn’t usually have MRIs and didn’t realize that it could “not see” it.

So, now it was on to scheduling the mastectomy the end of February.  Then, one month after the mastectomy, it was time for another PET/CT scan, which is basically every three months when you are progressing and for a while after being stable or regressing. So guess what? Masses were detected again in the liver, bigger and more aggressive than in December. Why the MRI did not pick it up, I don’t know for certain. The two scans use different technologies to detect cancer. Maybe because I have inflammatory breast cancer, which grows in sheets before in becomes a tumor (at least in the breast). So what next, I could dwell on having had the mast and all it’s complications, when I was not going to have it, had I known there were indeed liver mets. But it was done and could not be undone.

Next, onto another Doctor, a radiology oncologist in Baltimore. The procedure I was hoping for (yes I did a little internet research beforehand), with the least side effects and less intrusive, was no longer an option, as one of the tumors was now over the size that is compatible with this technique. Surgery is not a good option as the 3 tumors are in completely different areas, including both the right and left lobe, and I imagine recovery would be difficult even if the surgery was possible. So I wait, wait for approval from medicare and my medigap insurance for the best , if not only option for me. Then If approved, I will have a test to make certain I am a candidate for the procedure, a basic mapping of the main artery that goes to the liver, to make certain there aren’t branches (?) or other situations that would make this technique possible. And, all the while, I don’t know if the tumors are growing, most likely though.

I did start on another non-chemo medication, because, the pathology report based on the mastectomy tissue did determine the hormonal aspects of my cancer had changed since my first biopsy five years ago. So maybe the mastectomy was not a waste after all??? I know most if not all things happen for a reason. Maybe God intervened so to speak so that the tumors would not be detected on the MRI so that I would go ahead with the mastectomy. Why, how, when really don’t matter now, as they are done, in the past, etc..

Anyway, back to the “having patience” topic. I cannot do anything about this wait, any more than I can most of the time. If I spend all my time worrying about it, I waste more than a month of my life, and at this point I have realized that each and every day is precious. So I continue, march on, as if there is no end in sight. As we all should, as we don’t really know when the end will come. I actually have been given a gift, so to speak, knowing how precious this month is, and to live it larger than ever… No, not wasteful, or diving out of planes J, but living for God, for my family, church, friends, neighbors, strangers. Every day and every act is important. No, I am not a saint, and I have “mental” medications that help as well, but it has been drilled into me over and over during the last five years, that living the life of a victim, giving up, is not living.

So today, when my daughter and her two glorious kids (some of my special earth-angels) visited, I actually made dinner. Nothing special and most of it was done while sitting in my scooter, but it felt good to accomplish something. It feels so much better than a few days ago when I wasted an entire day with the blahs watching movies. AND my evening ended with lots of hugs and love. What could be better!

Tell someone you love them today! And try to have patience… the alternative only hurts you, …well most of the time, there are always exceptions. J

Blues v. Blahs

I haven’t written in a few days, as I was having the blahs. To me anyway, the blahs are an empty feeling, just numb. Whereas the blues, can have a topic or not, but it is definitely sad. Why did I have the blahs? I don’t know… because I am human? Maybe some of it was that I realized my last blog went somewhat off topic, more a “preaching” on being kind, than inspirational or narrative of a particular experience.

So… this is Sunday, I woke 2 hours before my alarm went off. I REALLY needed to go to church. Yes, I had prayed often the few days prior, asking God to guide me to do what he has planned for me. I am still here; I keep asking; I keep attempting different things; Yet I feel I have not gotten a clear answer. Maybe I won’t, but today’s songs at church seemed specifically pointed at me, although I know I am not alone in this situation, and many ask the same question of God, repeatedly, but it just hit the spot. The words were essentially “God take all of me… I want to do as you wish.” I obviously paraphrase, as my short-term memory is quite hampered.

Anyway, there I was, I sit while others stand in the beginning, as my back somewhat yells at me, and I figure God understands. But as I sung, deep from my heart, the words echoing my sentiment, especially of the last few days, and tears were rolling down my face, my friend bent down to hug me and tell me she loved me, and I her. They were not sad tears, but tears of being touched by God and blessed with this friendship, this church, and this day. I am not alone; God is with me; I need to keep digging deeper; I will know what I want to know when I am supposed to know; Until then I will live as closely as I can to what I believe God would want me to do. For now, it is to spread my experiences, and the fulfillment of faith in this journey. And to do everything I can do, to the best of my ability and in an unselfish, loving, giving way. I stray, as we all do, but I know, above all I must focus on that. My life, my journey, and my faith are His.

I do not have an answer to my question of purpose, but I have some peace. I am no longer empty, but feel God’s love throughout my being. I also know it does not stop there; There is no end; I must live each day to the fullest; Thank God for all of my blessings; and Continue to pray for guidance… at all times.

Thank you God for vanishing my blahs.

Shooting the Messenger

I am not sure how this subject came to mind at this time, as I have not had a recent occasion that spurred it. However, I have often thought about it in the past, and I am certain it will arise again. Let me narrow the topic even further to dealing with service employees with patience and empathy.

First, I am certain we are all aware that our education system in the States has fallen dramatically over the decades. I know that what my children were required to learn in High School was equivalent to that which I learned in Junior High. Also, when I attended college again, recently I might add, and at a State University, much of the curriculum for college students, was more equivalent to what I had been taught in High School. Second, above and beyond the material and expectations in school being lowered, our children are not being taught how to really think and reason, but rather to memorize. How do you recall something you had to memorize without understanding the basic principles behind a theory or piece of literature?

Now, fast forward to the people who sit behind the phones at customer service desks, behind the cashiers counters, etc. Not only were they most likely deprived of an adequate education to prepare them on how to deal with dilemmas, but overall, employers are spending much less time and effort into training. Often the person you deal with, as a first contact, has absolutely no authority to alter the situation. Not because they don’t want to help, but because they do not have the tools or authority to do so. They may be a very helpful empathetic person, trying to br a productive part of society, while also trying to provide financially for themselves and perhaps a family. Maybe they are a single parent, in a job where they are not allowed to have personal calls or visitors while “on the clock”. She or he may worry about their children’s’ welfare, while working to provide for their needs. Maybe this person simply was not blessed with the abilities to do this job, but has not had the direction or opportunity to serve in one more suited to their abilities. This does not make them less of a person than the CEO of a large corporation, if anything, they may lead a “better” life, one of love, empathy, caring, giving.

I try, no I am not always successful and I ask for forgiveness for those times when I allowed myself to become frustrated or angry, but I try to be calm and start my conversations with “I understand this has nothing to do with you specifically, but I have a problem that needs to be addressed”. Most of the time this opens the person up to wanting to assist you rather than hide behind the counter, or perhaps “spit in your beverage”??? (no, I am not encouraging this action, but well I'm certain it happens, maybe not as often as TV and movies depict it but well, the idea came from somewhere).  Another thought to keep in mind is “What goes around, comes around” J. 


Also, if you have to go over this person’s head, and ask for a supervisor, make it clear that you know their authority is limited and while they have tried to be helpful, you need to speak with someone with authority. Again, most of the time you will be granted that request much quicker, while sparing the feelings of the first line personnel.

Companies, Businesses…. What happened to “the customer is always right” even though sometimes that is not the case, decades ago, I was taught techniques, within basic training, how to try to calm the customer, to understand their frustration, and have the knowledge to more adequately serve them, rather than spouting off pre written answers that just increase the customers’ frustration and hence their temper. If you want return business, train your staff adequately, and treat them as individuals, people with lives outside of work. AND train anyone in authority that “staff reprimands, if actually deserved” are NOT addressed in public, especially in front of customers.

Okay, I suppose it’s time to step off my pedestal. J Again, I do not mean to preach, as I am as guilty as the next at allowing my emotions to get carried away and directing that frustration at the first person I contact. Deep breaths, forethought, and knowing ahead of time, that in today’s world, problems are rarely solved with one phone call or even two, but they are solved quicker with honey than vinegar. Sorry for all the clichés (but they exist for a reason – they usually get the point across).

Have a blessed day, where the sun shines within your heart J

Lazy Day

Borrowed my neighbors little sweetie today; Took a scooter walk to enjoy this glorious day; Now time for a little snuggle nap. 

My mind is clear, happy, and serene. :) May be more, ummmm, in a writing mood later or tomorrow. But for now, this is heaven :)

Being Open

Open? Open to what? Everything. By opening our eyes, hands, minds, hearts, etc., we are welcoming insight, friendships, knowledge, experience, and faith into our lives.  Yes, sometimes it is a little scary to open ourselves up to new and different possibilities, but the reward is well worth it.

One day, while sitting out on my patio area (if you can call it that, as it is the size of a small apartment balcony, but it serves it’s purpose), a neighbor was taking a walk. She caught my eye, or me hers, and she started walking toward me. Yes, I was a little apprehensive, not because of her appearance, as she was a gentle petite older woman, but I suppose just because we had not met. What were her intentions? Anyway, she introduced herself to me, and asked if she could sit, as dumb me had not yet offered a seat. She said she had seen me out there many times on her walks and wanted to introduce herself to me. Her demeanor was very pleasant, had a soft voice and loving eyes, but I was still hesitant. Why?  She spoke mostly of religion and wanted to say a prayer for me, not later, right then, right there, out loud. I hesitantly said okay??? At this point in time, I was still working on my faith, keeping it to myself so to speak. But at the end of our conversation, we exchanged telephone numbers and wished each other well.

Since that day, I have seen her many times. And, I suppose as my faith grew, and our encounters multiplied, the awkward feelings, I had at first, vanished. She is now a very welcome visitor, often telling me stories of her grandmother, sitting in her garden, surrounded by the beauty of flowers, reading her bible, and of her travels and experiences.  As I have found out over time, she is half Italian and half Indian, and her husband, I believe, is African. He served in some type of diplomatic career, so they traveled extensively. I also recently learned that she is 90 years old. I thought she was elderly, but closer to 70. I now not only welcome her into my home, but I admire her, and her courage to come up to a total stranger and say a prayer for them. What a gift I received when I opened my heart to her presence in my life.

Another example of being open… which actually started this blog idea in my head, was last night, late, I saw a tall man, I do not know of what age or race, all dressed in black, with a hood over his head, and caught myself feeling afraid. Why? He was not coming after me, acting aggressive, or giving off any sense of danger. I immediately thought of the recent case in the news and all the ridiculous comments about hoodies. I have a a couple of hoodies, and yes when it is cold, I pull the hood over my head. Many people dress in black, as it is often considered elegant, classic, and complimentary. So, why was I apprehensive? He could simply have been walking at a good pace and wearing his hoodie, because he was cold and afraid himself, or neither. Rather, just simply out for a brisk walk at night.

So I suppose being open, also means questioning those innate or learned hidden fears. Yes, sometimes those feelings are intuition, but sometimes, they are completely off base. The point is to be open, to examine why you are feeling the way you are, and to question if there could be another explanation, one more pleasant perhaps (cup half full, or even brimming over) J