Friday, June 22, 2012

No Negatives = Positive

Wow, I didn’t realize how long it had actually been since I’d written anything! I have been riding the dip of the roller coaster for far too long! Time to kick myself in the rear and head upwards.

Well, I have been reading during this lapse. I think I was stuck in the “Old Testament” portion of the bible for too long. While I want to know the whole bible, the beginning can be, well a little overwhelming with fire and wrath, so to speak. I thought I was being a “smart planner”, for lack of the appropriate word, by reading more of the old than the new portion, since it is 3/4th of the Bible.  Well, I don’t think that is a good idea. I think I would rather reread the new 3 times for reading the old once… a little more uplifting. J

I think God knew this, as a few days ago he brought one of my neighbors to me. I was sitting outside and she had just returned from a nice weekend away, refreshed and bubbly. She noticed me and we spoke for a while. At the end she brought down one of her books for me to read, one that I had heard of but not yet read – “The Secret”. It truly was uplifting, and not contradictory to my faith, even though it could easily be a good read for someone who has not necessarily dove as far into the spiritual world as I have of late.

As a result of the book, or rather my feelings after reading the book, I took out my paints and my last canvas yesterday, as I have not painted in some time, but was inspired to do a visionary self-portrait for me to focus on. It is not my usual realism type painting, but I was driven to do something more whimsical and cheerful. In it I am somewhat a little nature fairy in the painting, with morning glory eyes and rose lips. As the eyes are the mirror of the soul, I want to see the glory of every morning as I wake. As for the smile, well we all know it is very difficult to be down when we are smiling at ourselves. Hey I can be whomever I want to be, right! J I might post it on my blog when it is complete… I will decide later. Right now it is for me, to focus on the positive, to be doing something productive and positive, and steer my life in the right direction, up! J

Now, for a brief medical update: I had the liver testing procedure, and I am a good candidate, all went well and I was out of the procedure right on time with no complications other than some tenderness in my gut. I am tentatively scheduled for the SIR Spheres procedure on July 5, although that is subject to change as approval from insurance has still not been received. Although I was assured, by the woman scheduling, that they have a 99% approval on appeal of cases they feel are good candidates. So, I will wait a little more, or not? Haven’t heard anymore from here, and they supposedly need to order the spheres 2 weeks before the date, so maybe I am approved. I think we are past that point now… I am a little lost on what day it is sometimes J

As for chemo, I did see my oncologist. However, since I have already had so many of the options and have experienced bad side effects from many, he decided it would be best to send some of the tissue from my mastectomy to a lab that determines which chemo or chemo combo is most likely to work. I suppose they do it in Petri dishes, if they still even exist, science has come so far! Although he said their turnaround was 10 days, and it has been 3 weeks with no word, I wait… But I am waiting with a positive attitude. I asked God to heal me, as the bible says, ask and believe. It is the believe part that is difficult and is somewhat contrary to how our minds work, analyzing everything, needing proof. I am working on that, the truly believing, deep inside my soul, leaving all doubt aside. The book I just read also relays the same message, to focus on your situation as if you have already received your request, you just have to believe and your body, or God and my body that he created in my case, will do its job. So regardless of odds, and analyzing, I must believe and continue to believe. I have to push the negative away, give it no attention. After all, I have already passed the mortality date, that only 20% do that have my diagnosis, so why not another 40 or 50 years, actually good, intentionally spiritually productive years. J

So that is where I am for now. I am certain I have left things out of this update, but there is always tomorrow. For now, I think I will work on that self portrait… need to wake to it each morning! J

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